Thinking

I don't know what is wrong with me for now. For some reason, I can not get myself to be like how I used to be in the past. I have neglected my praying duties, skipped Mass and did not go to Confession (which is only one day a week at one time only, and makes it harder for me to get to). I do not want to say much about this problem, because I have not told anyone except those whom I chatted with on the internet and will have already forgotten me in about a week. The result of their help was that I should rather avoid the problem and soon enough, through prayer and the grace of God, it will hopefully disperse from me.

Of course, I had my doubts on whether that would truly remedy my problem instead of making it worse. But yesterday I came late to Mass and prayed at the church for about an hour past in order to make up for it. After being filled with the Spirit for a little while and seeking God in silent prayer, I felt some relief despite my sinful self behind me. Yet I really did with to know what was the matter with me?

I'm fighting within myself, unfortunately. As one person whom I chatted with on the internet has told me, I am acting like a spoiled child and should rather avoid it at all, with capitals of course. But it is strange indeed, that I would allow myself to be shaken with this thought at all! Perhaps I am in need of comfort, but spiritually I would rather want my God than anything else in the world. But even that, although desirable can be disconnected and almost unfathomable to us humans here on earth. There are so many others paths to take, and one will wonder inevitably of which one to take. Then as one partakes on a particular path, there will always be others ready and posed to criticise and advertise.

But what can I do? As much as I am tempted by the world, I can not do that if I wish to be under the will of Yahweh God, as He is the only Truth this world can not see, and I fear that the world gradually worsens every decade and quicklier as time passes by. Further and further do we spiral into unbelief and resorting that God is a mere fable expressed in the past to describe what was once superstitious beliefs, such as the creation of mankind and His relation to humanity.

It is rather strange, that the human in this present society seems to learn that the only sense of satisfation, complete satisfaction in life, is through the gratification of the self. It's rather foolish, when one rationalises, but it is too true that we have become such a greedy society with a greedy economy, down to the very self. And I look at myself and Jesus, who gave up His own life, a normal mortal life of God and sacrificed Himself on the Cross. He has told us that by having nothing, we have gained life everlasting. Yet I, like millions and billions of people in the world, am too stubborn sometimes to even practice the true doctrine of Christ Jesus in my life. It is quite stupid, actually.

There is so much corruption in this world, and it starts internally. If we can reach the heart internally, then beauty flourishes in that which was once wounded. My own heart is so deeply wounded and inclined to sin, and yet with the Grace of Christ, I know that even through my weaknesses, I can be strong.

My walk with God insofar

"I will shew thee, O man, what is good, and what the Lord requireth of thee: Verily, to do judgment, and to love mercy, and to walk solicitous with thy God."

Micheas 6:8

That above was the scripture verse that Father Patrick gave me during our talk for spiritual direction. He made me recognise some things, although I still have been a sinner this week, and the week before, etc. I just wish that I could do more, but it seems as if every day I never have enough time to do anything and everything. I am so busy, and it makes me want to curl up into fetus position and cry, because I can not fulfill these things and my religious things at the same time. Not anymore anyways. I can always dedicate my work towards Him, and yet it always seem insignificant, and even more do I reveal my unworthiness towards Him in this day and age.

This is horrible for me, and I just merely do not have time for it all. I hate school, and I would give anything just to live under the presence of God forever, without a sin or blemish upon my head. I always seem to upset some of my friends with something wrong I say, or I get angry easily at my mother. It is a horrible thing, I know, but sometimes I can not just help but be human. It is just merely hard for me to attempt to cope with such things in my life, but my desire would be considered escapism, no? I better get back into church the next time I go for confession and grovel for forgiveness, because it is going to require more than that if I wish to be forgiven of my sins.

And why do I seem to dismiss this blog, amongst my two other blogs? Am I afraid to become closer to God, or am I ashamed of discussing even with myself the spiritual nature in which I have created myself with through the tender Mercies of Yahweh? Every time I know that it is time for me to write in here, I avoid it and move onto the next blog instead, blindly and elated to type up whatever quotidian mood I am in. That, reveals the shame I have for myself, and that in itself makes me ashamed of myself even more. Why can I not merely walk humbly with my God, why can I not love mercy and do good judgement? I think I fear something within myself, but that is yet to become evident in my life at the moment.

I realise though, that I duely need to show my unworthiness to God anyways, because I know that I truly need Him everyday in my life, even if I reject Him or do not want Him.

Well, I needs go. But we will see in the future on how I go about as a Christian.

By the name of Jesus.

Lent

Random Eucharist video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1523420011651492780&q=catholic


Yahweh-Yireh,

I'm sorry, my Lord, that I haven't had time to spend towards You. It's now Lent, and I am trying really hard to worship and pray to You as You have desired of me. You are my only source of peace and perfection, and sometimes I wonder why You chose me to be by Your side, despite my own utter failings and falterings. I am no greater than what You have made me, and that is a small and sinful human being. I have forgotten how beautiful You are to me, and that You call my name beside Your chamber...

Why am I such a small and petty child, naive and misunderstanding of everything? I am picked on because of my size, I have no athletic talents whatsoever, and my social life is almost non-existent. As much as I wish to cry for those things, my life falters and trembles before me, because I am aware that some day, I will die and all things will disappear before me in the flesh. Yet You are forever and transcendent of all things. Every time I think of Jesus, I think of love and compassion in wholeness and totality, and yet I am merely and simply disgusted with my uncharitableness in the secular world. The fact that I get angry at those who are uncharitable towards me, my impatience, my arguing with my family members, my love of food, and every little thing pierces Your Sacred and Trusting Heart with the bloody spear that was pierced in Jesus' side when He died for us on the Cross. When I see people with lukewarm souls, Lord Jesus, my own heart is pierced with You, and how You are becoming forgotten in Your One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. Yet I know well that You will protect the Church and guide her with You and the Holy Spirit, because You have promised us that the gates of Hell shall never prevail.

I cannot thank You enough, dear Lord. If only I could be a better person in daily life. If only I could be able to become a saint like all the others that have passed on before me, only to devote my own life to serve only You. Because I see no other way in serving my greatest Hero and Lover in my life, except through You. It's silly and distracting that I follow my own foolish desires and dreams, when it is only through You in which I can have my salvation and glory. How much, I could write about you, my Yahweh!

Sometimes, I do admit that I look for other ways in which to express myself, sometimes in ways that do not praise You, such as through channelling anger or sadness. But I know that I can never be sad every time I think about Your Sacrifice for me. It's impossible to think without, and through that, I know that we can all truly win Eternal Life. No matter what kind of Christian, as long as they truly believe in Your Sacrifice as the Lamb of God, and believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, they all have the right (a gift from You) and priviledge to be called the children of God. I know that You can do it through all of Your servants, and I too hope to become a vessel for You and Your Sanctifying Grace someday.

Well, I should go and do my homework. But we will meet again someday, when my soul is liberated and my fleshly body is ready to let go from life. I hope for being a better person than I am now, even though it is so hard. It is as if my life should be perfect... Thank You, Yahweh.

He that eateth my flesh and drinketh my blood, abideth in me and I in him.

"Now those men, when they had seen what a miracle Jesus had done, said:

This is of a truth the prophet, that is to come into the world."

John 6:14

Salve, amici. My heart has been burning beneath that particular passage since Wednesday, which occurred my Scripture Study group, that teaches how to study the scripture using contextual clues, certain parallelisms in the passages, and of course, through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I also had the beautifully wise Hermendra give to me a book about the Apocalypse in a Catholic and Biblical judgement and light. I can't wait to read it, when I have the time to. I'm still busy with this marvellous book called Sophia House, and Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage (it's a Mormon view on Jesus), and also the Bible itself in my daily devotions.

I couldn't get myself ready today for Lent because my mother bought so many vegetables and packed them in our fridge, and she undoubtedly expects me to ravenously engorge them all. I would have to do it in only a few days if she expects me of such, because I will be starting a food fast except Sundays (I feel that fasting when the Bridegroom is present highly offending and even put off, because the Lord is with us on His resurrection day), and I wanted to keep myself trained so that I can make it through. But I guess my mother will have to finish it for me, because I am intent on doing this for Jesus. If Jesus did it, and my own Saint Kateri Tekakwitha suffered for Jesus to show her love for Him and as penance for sin, then why should I not do the same for Him as well? After all, He has saved us through His precious blood. Jesus expected from us to fast after He was gone. He said, 'when' you fast, not 'if' you fast.

But during my Wednesday Scripture Study group, we were studying parts of the New Testament, and we were talking about the importance of John 6 because it is the chapter of the Eucharist. The miracle prior to Jesus' teaching of the Eucharist. Because He was giving to His disciples that example and showing His power and might through the miracles of the multiplication of the loaves of bread and fish. Ever since I read that, and saw John 6:14, I realised how much Jesus was trying to make a point that there is better bread and fish than that. The fact that he prayed over the food, blessed it, broke it and gave it to his disciples is no random affair at all, and the miracle was so integral to open the eyes of the disciples of that fact that He Himself is the High Priest and Prophet of the Lord, the Only Son of God who humbled Himself through that bread and wine. Who would know of so much power in the scriptures, because every time one reads it, there is always something we read over that could have tremendous effect over what we think.

It struck me so much pensively, that I just quietened in awe and wonder, and of course, in love even more for the Eucharist, and why I stay as a Catholic. After all, the Eucharist, that bread of life is the summit of our Christian faith, and has been a tradition for the early Christians and lost as Protestant groups continue to divide and divide amongst themselves. Only the Orthodox, Catholic, Anglican and Lutherans and somewhat Presbyterians kept this tradition alive, believing in the Real Presence of Jesus and the Holy Spirit through the Eucharist, and no matter what sin I do, no matter how impious I may feel, His Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity is for ever through the consecration of the host and chalice.

"If any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever;

and the bread that I will give, is my flesh, for the life of the world."

John 6:52

Not only does this Holy Eucharist remind me of His bloody sacrifice for us to enter Heaven and for the reparation of that Original Sin that plagued mankind since our ancestors committed the sin of disobedience. There is so much wonder and beauty in the simple host of ours, and it truly gives life. Jesus Himself as our Sacrifice through the Eucharist, is beyond words. As the olden hymn has said, it is the Bread of Kings and Paupers...

Need God

Mon p'tit Jésus, l'enfant de vie,
J'te chanterai une mélodie,
Une p'tite berceuse de mon amour
Sous les étoiles aux alentours.
Et quand la terre dort en repos,
Je prie à toi pour faire dodo
Parmi les anges qui volent à l'air
Pour qu'ils peuvent te garder, mon cher.


My little Jesus, the child of life,
I will sing unto thee a melody,
A little lullaby of my love
Beneath the stars all around.
And when the earth sleepeth in peace,
I pray to thou to go to sleep
Amongst the angels which fly in the air
So that they are able to keep thee, my dear.


Voilà, mon doux Jésus, la paix
Qui y vient à terre pour nous montrer
L'amour de Dieu, Yahvé en haut
Pendant je berce ton p'tit berceau.
Fais-toi dodo, ô Prince des Cieux,
Car tu est né pour nous sauver
Dès notre enfer qui brûle en feu,
Et jusqu'à Dieu, et Son foyer.


Behold, my sweet Jesus, the peace
Which cometh here to Earth to show us
The love of God, Yahweh on high
Whilst I rock thy little cradle.
Go thou to sleep, o Prince of the Heavens,
Because thou art born to save us
From our Hell which burneth in fire,
And unto God, and his home.


Donc, dors-en-toi pour moi, ton frère
Et sourira ta Mère, Marie.
Même Dieu te gardera, ton Père
Qui est aux cieux, mon p'tit cheri.
Et quand la lune descend en haut,
Tu te réveilles comme le soleil,
Et tout le monde peut faire dodo
À cause de toi, ma chère bébé.


Then, have thou some sleep for me, thy brother,
And thy Mother, Mary, shall smile.
Even God, thy Father shall guard thee,
Who liveth in the Heavens, my little dear one.
And when the moon desecendeth on high,
Thou awakest as the sun,
And everyone is able to go to sleep
Because of thee, my dear baby.

Oh God, if you could see how tired I am at the moment. I'm quite tired, but I know that it is a tiredness of more than the physical. I feel so spiritual dry, despite how my spirituality is okay. Yet it yearns for so much more, with a deeper, more monastic style of deep and heavenly contemplation, yet my school disallows me from doing it. It just seems that I do not have the time to ever pray in deep spiritual contemplation, despite everything.

It reminds me of how much I miss God sometimes in my life, because I could never seem to give Him enough Praise, enough Glory, enough Contemplation of His very visage. Oftimes, I have other things, such as reading and homework and other worldly things that makes the monastic life even more appealing, especially in a simple life where prayer is the every day reality. But as days go by, I wait under the banner of God and my very sinfulness for hope and guidance in life.

Everyday, I'm faced with many challenges in life which can prove to be an obtrusion from what I truly desire to do, and rather confuses me into a spiral of uncertainty. But I trudge on, trusting on what the Lord will do for me, as long as it is in accord with His will.

I must go. I tire and in dire need of rest. But there is always later, in which I can see my sins in clarity, and beg for the forgiveness of my Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Religious blog

I have finally decided to separate this blog into my religious blog, because then I can focus more on the wonderful reality of God in my life, and focus on nothing but Him and Jesus Christ. There is nothing more beautiful than something like that, in a world where God, out of all things, is forgotten, and we fade away listless and unresponsive to God's true call into our lives. Often than not, my life is full of sinfulness, so much venial sin, unavoidable from our humaneness that transforms our lives gradually into sorrow. But if we focus on Godly sorrow and upon Godly things, imagine what wonderful things lie for us in the future!

As much as I struggle with my own sins and my own doings, I wish to live in a life of holiness. After all, we are all called unto a life of holiness to better serve Yahweh. he is the main reason why we remain in the churches, why we still worship Him through our daily lives and at the Blessed Eucharist, because without Him, then we would certainly not be Christians, but instead some pseudo-religion that focuses on nothing but traditionalism. Traditions without Jesus would become vain traditionalism.

I wish to become a priest some day, and I believe that God is calling me to the priesthood, despite how I have almost no leadership skills at all. I am quite quiet, shy and soft-spoken, but that does not stop me from fulfilling God's will in my life. We all need a place in which we can express the utmost of our desires within our hearts, and I intend to do so in my blog.

Too often do we all get caught up in our own selfishness, especially me. We ignore our spiritual duties and lie in idleness, unresponsive to what God calls all of us to do in order to build up the Holy Kingdom of God. Yahweh does not ask much of us, but to worship Him in Spirit and Truth, and to do His Holy Will everyday in our lives, in hopes that others will realise that Yahweh is calling them too to His Body, His true Church on Earth.

I mean, on Friday, last week I went to the Vocations Office, and was told that I need to research syllabi or curricula in order to find the courses that I want, and I would have to wait at least three years because I was a revert to the Catholic Church; thus they can not see much seriousness until the person is immersed more so within the religion. I guess they worry that the desire to priesthood may be instead during a subjective high, in which gradually lowers again into a fading facade. But ever since I have reverted, this desire has not gone away from me, and I fully intend to fulfill God's will in my life, because I know that God will do great things if we truly act as the vessels which carry God's sanctifying grace.

But just as the Vocations Director has said to me that there is such a thing as trying to get ahead of God, I myself need to learn the value of patience, and three years actually is not too long. Within the Archdiocese Prayer of the Reverence for Life, it itself says "...For the life of the elderly, witnessing to the ageless values of patience and wisdom." Just as St. Thérèse had emphasised the Little Way to praise Jesus all her life, also will I, in all patience and attempted humility, wish to raise Him into my life, and leave my own selfishness behind. I hope to get everything in order soon enough, apply for college, get a job, and become settled into the secular world as a member of society. And through it all, I also hope to utilise every opportunity to give the Lord His proper Glory deserved in wholeness.

That day, I went to the Mass and saw a homeless person praising the Lord at Mass, and even before Mass began, he prayed the Rosary without any beads and knew the whole Angelus. I was amazed as he told me, that the Holy Spirit causes all of us to pray at Mass, and how the Holy Spirit is through it all. Now that in its simplicity is a charismatic soul, and that fact even makes me humble, a sinner who has more material things than Him. The last will be first, and the first will be last, and no doubt will that homeless person, who has total faith in Yahweh, will truly enjoy the fruits of Heaven.

So many people inspire me in my walk of life, to learn the value of patience and wisdom. A little Indian girl and her brother at my church knew all the prayers at Mass, at she is at least only five years old. And out of all the children of the Children's Liturgy of the Word, she probably knows more saints than I do. If there are children like those two who truly believe in their heart in the power of Jesus Christ our Lord, let them come unto Him, because even they have greater faith than me. An African woman veiled at Latin Tridentine Mass singing with gusto with the choir in Latin chanting, mesmerised me, and shows that African-Canadians do not all fall into the ways of Protestantism. These are just a few of the many examples of Christ-like people whom I have seen through my observations. So many people, albeit a few, share such a beautiful resemblance to the way of Christ, and it makes me feel so humbly ashamed of myself. As Lent approaches, I hope to make myself humble and loosen myself from worldly things. We do these things at Lent for the alleviation of the sufferings of others, for the penance of sin in our lives, and to regard our own sinfulness as we meditate on the Death of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is because of His Sacrifice, that we are saved in His blood.